The Feminine Urge to Make Your Own Money

In my twenties, I planned to be taken care of.

I wanted a soft life and expected my now-husband to pay for things. For a while, he did.

I had left a corporate job that diminished whatever ambition I thought I was supposed to have. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, so I quit.

For the next few years, I taught yoga and Pilates in New York. I loved it. I wasn’t making much money, but I could work out, socialize, teach classes I enjoyed, and come home without worrying about the bills.

My husband paid for pretty much everything.

At the time, it seemed like the dream.

Then the pandemic hit. My classes stopped, my routine disappeared, and suddenly I had time to realize I had no idea what I was doing with my life.

I hit an emotional low.

My husband was still supporting me financially, but money wasn’t really the problem. I had no feeling of purpose, with nothing that was like mine.

So I went back to graduate school at Syracuse for a degree in Marriage and Family Therapy.

That decision changed my life.

I built a career. I became interested in the psychology of money, earned a certification in financial therapy, started my own business, and eventually pursued a PhD in Human Sexuality.

What surprised me most was how having my own career affected my marriage.

I felt more powerful.

More confident.

Sexier.

There is something attractive about having somewhere to go, something you are building, and money that came from your own brain and work.

I also stopped expecting my husband to be responsible for every part of my life.

When one person has to provide the money, identity, stimulation, confidence, purpose, and entertainment, that is an enormous weight to put on a marriage.

I see versions of this in my clinical work all the time.

Couples who fight the hardest about money are often fighting about what access to money represents.

One person has to ask.

And that has a psychological cost.

You start negotiating smaller, explaining purchases you would rather make, apologizing, and deferring.

You become aware that someone else has the final say over resources you need to live your life.

Financial independence does not mean every couple needs to split everything 50/50. My husband still pays for plenty in our household.

It means having something in your name, your own income, a professional identity, and a sense of competence. Something outside your relationship that reminds you that you can create a life too.

I used to think being taken care of was the soft life.

Now I think having choices is.

That’s the hot part.

Try this: Identify one part of your financial life that is fully yours. Your income, an investment account, savings, a business, or a retirement account. If you can’t name one, that’s probably worth paying attention to.